on love...

So, I really believe that many of the struggles I have personally walked through over the last five years have led me to a place where I am able to understand a dimension of loving people that has always previously eluded me.

For the vast majority of my life, every decision was a black or white one. No grey, certainly no purple or blue decisions, only very clear, black or white, right or wrong.

The last 5 years I have experienced or been introduced to people, situations and scripture that have opened up a world of not just greys but, fortunately, many wonderfully colored decisions as well. With this larger perspective has come much introspection and in making, what are surely, incorrect decisions in the moment, I have been afforded the time and ability to contemplate outcomes and biblical truths. I have been watching people's reactions, and my own, in response to different decisions and it has allowed me to come to what I hope to be , if not right, yet, at least better conclusions in the end. It is interesting how poor, cold, or uninformed decisions can lead to softenings in the heart and a growing understanding of love. How God loves all people. How love covers, truly covers, a multitude of sins. How people with good intentions, hurt us. How we hurt others malitiously...in revenge...in good intent...with no knowlege...in a quest for our own justice. How Jesus really does call us to love others. To give to them of ourselves. How he calls us to seek His justice and how everyone needs a friend. And most interstingly of all...how hard all of this is because when someone annoys me or hurts me, I want people to know. I want the person to suffer. I talk about it until I have exhausted all words and thoughts and then, just for good measure, I talk about it some more.

Truly, people make gigantic mistakes. I make mistakes. I am the bearer of other people's mistakes and other people's bad intent or selfish ambition. One of the many things I have been contemplating is how crappy it is that I feel the need to talk about these things to other people. Of course, I think, I need to have an outlet for such things...they are my life, a biproduct of living with others and engaging in transactions at work or home with other people. They effect my ability to daily live and should therefore, be allowed to be a part of my conversations with, say, small group or friends at work. But, in these conversations, do I show love? Do I cover a multitude off sins? Do I give willingly without expecting anything in return or do I simply convey anger and hurt or poke fun at someone less fortunate than myself...that's right...I'm a jerk. I do the latter. And I have begun to realize that it is wrong. When I write it like this, it makes it sound so simple, like, of course I know that stuff is wrong. But, I have never embraced a model of pray first, talk second, or pray only, talk never....

and now I must feed the baby.